


surviving yet living

by vinndetta



Category: Yandere Simulator (Video Game)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Not Yandere, Bisexual Female Character, Coming Out, F/F
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-11-06
Updated: 2018-11-08
Packaged: 2019-08-19 16:33:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,440
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16538219
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vinndetta/pseuds/vinndetta
Summary: If you asked Kokona, she wouldn't be able to tell you when she fell in love.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> The Kokona/Kizana thing is confusing to me, and I don't know what's happening. But here, I guess.

Ayano Aishi.

Her name was often spoken in low murmurs and soft whispers in conversations between students at Akademi High School. Rumors surrounding her ran rapid among the student population, often ignored by the administration at their school. When her name came up in conversations, students often examined their surroundings to make sure that she and her cold eyes weren't within the vicinity. Some even refused to even talk about her; her robotic routine at school and her emotionless expressions were enough to terrify others into silence. When she was talked about, students tended to be increasingly disapproving of her. They often speculated. Perhaps she was an orphan incapable of love, some suggested. Some even proposed that she was a robot who was sent to spy on students. Those who dared to say it spoke of her as an assassin who was coming for revenge. Although the first was the most probable, no one objected to hear strange and curious rumors about who she was. Even the strangest speculations were never ignored.

The basic facts were that Ayano Aishi was a second year at Akademi High School. She had fair skin that often shone under the right lighting. She was a little over 5 feet tall and she was about 100 pounds. Her black hair was often plain and boring, as viewed by the general student who was used to seeing the rainbow of hair colors at the school. Her dark grey eyes often looked emotionless and she was almost never seen smiling.

Ayano most likely knew that there were ridiculous rumors surrounding her. But it didn't seem like she had really cared at all.

-

Kokona Haruka.

Her name was oftentimes spoken in slight distaste and increasing curiosity in conversations between students at Akademi High School. She was one of the well-known students; she wasn't exactly popular, but everyone did know of her in some way. She was an amazing actor and singer. When her name came up in conversations, they would either smile in fond thoughts or wrinkle their nose in disgust. People either loved her, or hated her; there really was no in-between. She carried herself with dignity, and she tended to gain respect. There weren't many rumors about her, but her cousin was suspected to be her sister, as they seemed to have similar features. Oftentimes, these rumors meant nothing to the both of them. Kizana continued acting, and Kokona continued cooking and hanging out with the Rainbow Six. Some people would try to spread rumors about her, but they never got any far with speculations, especially the strangest ones.

The basic facts were that Kokona Haruka was a third year at Akademi High School. She had fair skin and bouncy hair that was her signature look. She was 5 feet and 2 inches and about 110 pounds. Her purple hair was dyed constantly to give it the appearance of always being purple, and it wasn't seen as strange, for she was a part of the Rainbow Six, the group of girls with different dyed hairs. No one even knew what color her natural hair even was. Her purple eyes were made purple with eye contacts, and they shone brightly. She's always smiling, despite the situation.

Kokona most likely knew that there were people that would judge her for her lifestyle. But it didn't seem like she had really cared at all.

-

Kokona's first encounter with Ayano was purely an accident. She had been walking down the hallway, when she noticed someone peering around the door leading into the courtyard. All she saw was a ponytail of black hair, and the way it somewhat bounced to another spot every time she moved her head. It was really plain hair, but it was rather unique, seeing that so many people at this school dyed their hair different colors. What was she looking at? Someone sitting in the quad? Who could it be? One of the guys standing in a circle?

Before she could figure it out, the girl turned around and ran straight into Kokona. She fell on the floor, and Kokona herself was shaken up a little bit at that. The purple-haired girl leaned against the wall on her side to regain her balance. 

"H-hey, are you okay?" Kokona asked tentatively. She became worried about the girl, motionless on the ground, face flat on the floor. Kokona kneeled down quickly and moved the girl's head to examine her face. The girl's dark eyes looked lifeless, and her limbs seemed to give out. It almost seemed as if she felt she had no purpose in life.

"Hello? Excuse me?" Kokona sat down on the ground, still holding up the girl's face, and looked deep into her eyes. Her brown eyes were the color of honey and copper mixed together, and it wasn't just brown. It was the color of nature, as if the girl was a forest nymph that had escaped the forest. Her eyes were dull, and she seemed to be broken on the inside. The girl remained unresponsive, and Kokona moved her body so that she was facing up towards the ceiling. She was careful to place her down carefully, almost as if if she made the wrong move, the girl would shatter into a million pieces. 

"I'd understand if you don't want to talk about it," Kokona said, sighing. "I'd really appreciate it if you'd give me a sign that you're alive and you're not just gonna lie there forever." The girl's eyes glanced towards her, and she stared blankly at the ceiling. Kokona sighed. She just wanted to help. She just wished that this girl would let her help her.

"Well, at least that's a sign. Will you be okay?" Kokona became worried about this girl. She was the type of person that cared about everyone, and didn't like to see anyone sad. This girl was no exception either, and no matter what, she'd get the girl to reach out and she'd help the girl in any way that she could. The girl tilted her head, and looked towards her. She reached out and pulled at Kokona's hand, almost as if she wanted her to stay.

"That's all you had to say." It was after school hours, and she was fine with staying with this girl no matter what. She wanted to be able to save this person. She'd feel guilty if she didn't. She just wanted to see this girl through her life, and she'd be willing to do a lot just to save this girl. It was a strange feeling that she felt towards a girl that she's never even met before that day.

-

The girl's name is Ayano Aishi. She's heard so much about this girl, whether it was that she was a serial killer, a kuudere, a robot, a yandere, a whatever. Kokona wasn't sure whether if any of them were really true now that she's seen Ayano in this state. She didn't really pay attention to rumors, but she was sure that whatever was said about her, they were wrong. She was sure Ayano has emotions, albeit she doesn't show it often and doesn't have friends.

-

"Why did you save me?" 

Kokona turned around to see Ayano looking at the ground behind her. They were both walking downstairs after school, and they were both about to go to the cooking club. Ayano wasn't necessarily a part of the club, but she liked to hang around with Kokona and her friends. The rest of them were wary of her at first, but Yui accepted her quickly, so the rest did so as well.

"... Why? A month ago, I would have been okay with just wasting away on the floor there. I don't understand, Haruka; why did you save me that day last month?"

It was a month ago, wasn't it? Kokona breathed in, to prepare herself for the question that she'd inevitably have to answer. Ayano always had to have the answer, no matter what. Kokona had to give her kudos; Ayano was super persistent. She's learned more about Ayano from a month of knowing her than the whole school could speculate about for the two years that Ayano's been at this school.

"Aishi, I... I wish I could answer that question." Kokona looked up at the ceiling. She knew this question would be asked one day, but no matter how much she pondered, she wasn’t able to come up with an answer.

Ayano became quiet at that.

"It's just... I didn’t want to give up on you. I..." She starts shaking, but she's not really sure whether it's because of the cold winter air or the thick tension in the air. "I didn't want to... I..."

Kokona stared at Ayano, who was looking at her wistfully.

“I don’t know...” The words faded away as Kokona's thoughts faded into silence.

The two continued walking, but the tension was high in the air.

-

Ayano Aishi was a brilliant person. Her IQ was terrifyingly high, and she often passed her classes without even paying attention in class. Kokona was in shock when Ayano aced all of her classes while not paying attention, yet she herself had worked harder and still didn't get a score that was as high as Ayano's score.

Kokona recognized the genius within Ayano even before that. Kokona remembered reading a love note that Ayano had attempted to throw away when Ayano found it at the bottom of her backpack. The words flowed across the page in an elegant handwriting. The note declared Ayano's undying declaration of love for the person who would never recieve said note. The pure, unadulterated love that Ayano had once felt showed itself clearly through only the words on the paper. The words itself were the most beautiful thing that Kokona had ever read, yet Ayano seemed to not want to see that paper ever again in her life, judging by the way she frantically threw it away.

The note was addressed to a Taro Yamada, before he had a fatal car accident due to a drunk driver. It was addressed before Osana Najimi, his childhood friend, switched schools due to the heartbreak. It was addressed before Kokona Haruka found Ayano Aishi, crumbled and devastated on the floor.

-

"Do you want to join the cooking club? I'm sure the others would welcome a new member, especially now that they know you better now." Kokona asked Ayano, one day, walking home. The trees, she noticed, were shaking its leaves slightly due to the slight calming breeze. They were walking side by side, and Kokona popped the question suddenly.

"You asked me this a week ago, Haruka." Ayano kept walking without a care in the world. Kokona sighed, yet still kept walking besides her friend. She knew it well, too, but she felt as if she needed to ask her, just in case she changed her mind.

"My answer's still no."

Kokona hummed, figuring that answer would be the same.

-

Message from Haruka:

Thanks for giving me your phone number! We can talk here too from now on!

Draft to Haruka:

One of these days, you're going to regret talking to me.

-

Kokona wasn't sure what to say when Ayano started typing back as a response to her message, and then decided not to respond. 

Kokona knew Ayano wasn't a sociable person. Ayano preferred to be on the sidelines and wait for the right moment to take action. When Ayano did speak, it was with such a strong sense of authority, that even the teachers would listen intently to her. She was mature beyond her years, yet she let everyone that she was some good-for-nothing student with stellar grades that didn't care for anything.

Kokona knew that Ayano had once fallen in love, although Ayano had never mentioned it. She knew exactly why Ayano was on the floor that fateful day, broken and shattered. Picking up the pieces was hard enough, but Ayano didn't seem to want to be fixed. She seemed to hide the shattered pieces so that Kokona wouldn't find it, and would mess up the puzzle pieces. Even when Kokona thought she had almost completed the puzzle that was Ayano Aishi, Ayano flipped the tables on her, showing that Kokona was far from understanding her at all. Kokona kept hitting a brick wall, as the pieces that seemed to go together didn't fit together perfectly after all. She still had a long way to go, Kokona realized, taking apart the pieces to the seemingly impossible puzzle and starting over, trying to solve the mystery that was Ayano Aishi.


	2. Chapter 2

“Have you ever fallen in love, Aishi?”

Yui's voice rang out in Kokona's ears, even though the rest of the friend group was chattering about something random. Kokona was in the kitchen, preparing food for the Cooking Club when Yui asked Ayano this question. Ayano was with them today, for some reason. She didn't have much else to do, Kokona hummed.

Kokona couldn't see anyone's faces, but she did imagine that Ayano's face had twitched slightly in disgust. She could even imagine Yui's trademark smirk as a reaction to being able to get that reaction out of Ayano.

“Why are you asking?” Ayano's cold voice implied she was already ready to end this conversation. Yui let out a small giggle as her only response.

“Rio, love is the true weakness of human nature. It breaks them, shatters them into a million pieces. Of course that's never happened to me.”

The meaningless chatter kept on going, but Ayano remained quieter than usual. Kokona took note of that in her head, as she walked out with a finished plate of food.

-

"I'll ask you again."

Ayano's voice rang out in the silence of the town. Kokona was walking home after school, which she often did with Ayano. They walked the same path, mostly in silence. Kokona didn't mind; she needed some time to clear her head with silence, and she enjoyed the peace of the town with Ayano's silent presence. Just having her there with Kokona was enough.

At those words, Kokona raised an eyebrow. She turned to face Ayano head-on. Ayano's face showed no emotions, but her eyes were slightly narrowed and her eyebrows were furrowed. Kokona knew that Ayano was serious, and perhaps a little bit agitated.

"I asked you a month after it - you said you didn't know. So I waited."

She did, and Kokona nodded. She had almost forgotten about that moment until Ayano had brought it up. It was such a long time ago, wasn't it?

"I didn't have the strength to go on, Haruka. If you hadn't saved me, I wouldn't be standing here right now. I wouldn't be standing anywhere. Or sitting anywhere. I'd be six feet under."

Kokona's breath hitched. Her heartbeat skipped a beat or two.

"And no matter how much I think, no matter how much I ponder... no matter how many days I spend wondering, no matter how many nights I lie awake questioning... I still for the life of me don't understand, Haruka."

"Why did you save me that day?"

The question rang out in Kokona's ears over and over.

"Ayano..."

"Please."

Kokona looked up to see Ayano's face scrunched up, showing more emotion than she had in weeks. Ayano grabbed her arm, looking up at Kokona with pleading eyes. Kokona looked off to the side, not wanting to succumb so quickly to Ayano's puppy eyes.

"There's no one simple answer, Ayano."

"Well. We have all the time in the world, right here, right now. We just need to reach out and take the opportunity."

Kokona smiled. Ever the poet, she mused, the poetry she spilled from her lips would be Kokona's downfall one day.

-

"It started when I first saw you there. It wasn't super deep at that point; I just wanted to be a kind person and help people. But then there was something fascinating. You seemed sad but also apathetic. You weren't like anyone else - people cry when they fall, sob when they get hurt, react when things happen.

"So I guess you intrigued me. And you still do. You were a mystery to the entire school. No one understood you, and I felt like that to. I'm not saying I felt an instant connection. It didn't seem like you hated me, but it didn't seem like you liked me either. But you didn't push me away, so I figured that was a start.

"And besides, I don't like leaving people to suffer on their own. People need help sometimes, even if they don't admit it to themselves. I know what it's like to feel alone when you need to be with others. And I've seen the consequences of people being alone for too long...

"So, Ayano, does that answer your question? You intrigued me, and my heart wouldn't let me leave you alone. Not that I wanted to leave you alone in the first place."

-

Ayano simply stood in silence, seeming to process the word vomit that Kokona had spilled out into their conversation, or rather, Ayano's interrogation process. Kokona could only hear their breathing, waiting and wondering if Ayano would say anything after she had thrown out all of her feelings onto the table.

"Was that not what you were looking for?" She breathed out, quietly.

Kokona wasn't sure if Ayano had heard her or not, but Ayano smiled slightly and shook her head.

"I didn't have any expectations, but you surpassed them anyway."

-

Ayano never brought up the subject again, much to Kokona's relief.

-

"See you tomorrow, Ayano." Kokona waved, turning around to walk away.

Kokona wasn't prepared for Ayano's hand to pull her back, with such raw strength that Kokona found herself falling back. She ended up pressed against the shorter girl, looking down at Ayano's dark eyes.

"Stay...?"

Kokona gulped, her eyes flickering up to the towering house that Ayano lived in. She glanced back down, feeling Ayano's eyes bore into her soul. Her heart skipped a beat, feeling weak as she felt Ayano's skin against hers.

She could only nod, letting the girl pull her towards the door.

-

Kokona found herself with a cup of tea, sitting on Ayano's bed. She fiddled with the cup's handle, as she waited for Ayano to break the silence. She wasn't expecting to be here today, but she didn't mind. When Ayano popped that question, she knew that she was weak for her. The word "no" seemed to not exist, and although she had hesitated, an affirmative response was at the tip of her tongue, waiting to come out at any moment.

"I'm really bad with words."

Kokona turns to her left, looking at Ayano with a confused expression.

"I just... I just... don't know how to say this."

Ayano seems tense, gripping her hands tightly onto her school uniform's skirt. Kokona places one of her hands on top of Ayano's hand. She's worried - she's never seen her like this, probably expressing the most feelings that Kokona's ever seen coming out of her. She can feel the illusion wear off, leaving a vulnerable girl in its place. Kokona doesn't know what to do, but she just hopes that her presence will be enough to help her friend.

Were they friends? She doesn't even know. All she knows is that Ayano seems to tolerate being around her.

"Thank you, Kokona..."

"For what?" Kokona cautiously responds, not wanting to freak her friend out.

"For..." Ayano drags off. She breathes out, relaxing her hands. "For being you."

Ayano doesn't say anything for a while after that, so the two of them sit in silence. Kokona picks up her cup of tea again, sipping it quietly. The two end up sitting there, letting time go by without acknowledging it.

It just seemed to easy to pretend that the world was just the two of them.

-

Ayano gets up, picking up the empty cup of tea that Kokona placed back on the table. Kokona watches Ayano close the door, later hearing shuffling coming from the kitchen.

Kokona takes a moment to look into the trashcan besides her to see a familiar face.

_Taro Yamada...?_

She digs out some of the papers in the bin, just the abandoned pictures and words. She sees the words flowing across one of the pages and then drops the other pictures back into the trash.

-

_fuzzy infatuation_   
_gaze upon you_   
_then suddenly_   
_my heart feels_   
_like the wings_   
_of a hummingbird_   
_could i take flight_   
_with the strength_   
_of this feeling_   
_or maybe_   
_you could take_   
_me on a ride_   
_to the fantasy world_   
_that you come from_   
_how else_   
_could you invoke_   
_these feelings from me_   
_with a simple smile_   
_a sweet apology_   
_spilling from your lips_   
_could i just_   
_keep you forever_   
_in my heart_   
_sweet thing_   
_could you do that_   
_could you smile_   
_for me_   
_just like that_   
_could you do that_   
_look at me like_   
_i'm everything to you_   
_like you are to me?_

-

Kokona hears steps coming back to the room, and quickly throws it in the trashcan. She takes out her phone, scrolling through notifications as Ayano comes back into the room.

Kokona looks up when she comes into the room. She swears she could see a little smile on Ayano's face, but a blink later, Ayano has a blank stare in her face. But her eyes are telling a different story.

-

The two of them enjoy a little bit of peace and quiet before Kokona has to leave for her own house. Ayano walks her to the door, and Kokona turns back right before she leaves the house. The two of them stand there awkwardly for a little bit, before Kokona grabs onto Ayano's hands. The two of them are holding each other's hands now, Ayano staring down at their connected hands and Kokona trying to see a reaction in Ayano's face. Kokona does notice Ayano tense up, but Ayano doesn't let go.

Kokona doesn't want to let go. She doesn't want to go.

But Ayano mutters, "Didn't you say your father wants you back for dinner?"

Kokona smiles a little bit. "Yeah."

Finally, after a long time, Kokona releases her hands, dragging them back slowly. Ayano lowers her hands, fumbling with them at her sides as if she doesn't know what to do with them now. Kokona backs away, stepping back towards the sidewalk.

Kokona turns, starting to walk back to her house for dinner. She feels Ayano's eyes on her, until she turns the corner.

Only one thought occurs to her, and it's, " _God, Ayano's hands are so soft and warm._ "

-

Her father comments on how Kokona seems distracted. She simply shrugs, letting the topic drop from the dinner conversation.

-

google search history:  
>how to stop loving someone  
>how to know if you love someone  
>bisexual  
>is it possible to love boys and girls?  
>lesbian  
>am i gay?  
>i think i might be gay  
>my friend makes my heart skip  
>how should you feel about a friend  
>akademi high school memes  
>akademi high school news  
>calculus help

-

If Kokona can't stop thinking about a certain girl's lips that night, then, if anything, it's the fault of that second year with the beautiful black hair and those stunning gray eyes.

-

Kokona doesn't think that this is going to end well. She thinks that Japan has been rather progressive lately, at least in the younger generations. But some things just aren't acceptable to older people.

She's sure that if she mentions a crush on a girl, then a majority of students would maybe be surprised, but wouldn't be disgusted.

Her father, however, could be a different story. He loved her, she knew, but was it enough? Was it enough to love his daughter no matter her sexuality? Was it enough to overcome the social stigma that he had grown up knowing? Was it enough to forget that he was taught to think that people who aren't straight are disgusting human beings?

She doesn't know if it'll be enough, and it terrifies her to even think that she could lose her last surviving parent over this.

-

"Kokona? Did you call me up here to talk about something?"

Kokona gulped. Their usual conversation spot on the rooftop... she didn't think she'd have to come here again to talk to Saki, but she had to. She was her closest friend, and she deserved to know. Kokona doesn't know how she will react, too worried to think about the outcomes.

"Saki... please... promise me... you won't hate me..."

"Kokona..." Saki blinked, seemingly taken aback at Kokona's choice of words. Kokona gripped onto Saki's wrists.

"Please... if you do... just... don't hurt me." She clenches her eyes together, looking down.

"Kokona!" Saki shifted her hands to hold onto Kokona's hands comfortingly. "I.. I would never hurt you, no matter what it is!"

"Saki... I... I'm..."

Kokona still had her eyes closed, but she could feel the concern coming off of Saki.

"I'm... I'm not... I think... I'm not straight..."

Kokona pulls back, tears appearing in her eyes, threatening to overflow. She opens her eyes to see Saki in shock, looking down at the floor in front of Kokona. She doesn't seem disgusted, but she seems to be conflicted and in shock at her best friend's confession.

"You're... you mean... you're a lesbian?"

"I... n... no. I mean. I like boys... so.... b-bisexual, maybe." Kokona stuttered over her words, her eyes still watching Saki.

Saki doesn't seem to react to her words, and Kokona blinks, letting the tears fall. She knew she shouldn't have done this, shouldn't have even tried to tell anyone. Saki's going to hate her, going to tell everyone about how Kokona's a disgusting gay pervert, going to-

Kokona feels someone hugging her, pulling her back to reality to see blue hair in front of her. Saki was hugging her, patting her back. Kokona feels the trail of tears coming down her cheeks while Saki tries to sooth her down.

"Don't cry, Kokona. I've got you. Shh..."

Kokona starts to sob.

"Aw, Kokona... I'd never hate you for that. You're my best friend, there's nothing that we can't handle together. Nothing will ever change between us, okay? You're still you, despite that. That doesn't change you, my wonderful friend, who's so kind and giving and caring... Shh..."

Suddenly, Kokona feels overwhelming joy in her heart. Saki was there for her, as she said she always would. If anything, she at least had Saki. And that was enough to make Kokona feel like she could do anything.

**Author's Note:**

> please, please, please kudos/comment if you liked it! hmu on tumblr, i'm @vinndetta ! much love xoxo


End file.
